Texts From Last Night

(404): last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.

404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
(1-404): haha good one..how did you even know?
(404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

(404): Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.

(404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
(610): can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
(1-610): who is canola oil?
(610): you're an idiot.

(201): Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
(1-201): ok, come over...I have doritos

(513): I hate bills.
(479): Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

(479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over

(540): I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.

(508): Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
(617): Where are you?
(508): Strip Club

(602 ): Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
(602): no jk, not my room

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

(440): wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

(727): He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.

(513): I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

(808): no, he came in my armpit

(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

(603): Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
(1-603): The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

A break in Seriousness: Another Version of Twitter Comments

ohlynlyn: somehow lost a portion of my second toe last night. :-/ 4 minutes ago

Kimtacular: And this nose zit is threatening to block off one whole breathing passage.

LeighEdwards3: mold and mildew are all over me. going out into public to frighten the kids.

jmkraft: Wow President Obama opened his address to the Muslim world by saying "Asalaam Alaykum." Cheney must have soiled his pants.
TanyaEdwards27: oh geez... teacher emailed to tell me my son asked to buy boobs at student store!

Leija1983: The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

smnb_swear_god: shit stain

eyerait: #wtf Man arrested, accused of throwing metal object at Special Olympics kids: http://tinyurl.com/psanuo

emoqix: Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?" Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."